Trustee Mandasaurus

As a University of Illinois alumna I'm slightly annoyed about the recent scandal about clout influencing admissions.

Clout, my friends. CLOUT! (That's how I read it in the Chicago Tribune, which is utterly and completely obsessed with the subject of clout.)

Sure, I think that letting people into my alma mater (which features the wonderful Alma Mater statue) for silly reasons like connections or connections to connections is uncouth. It's more than a little slimy that some rejected applicants were able to schmooze their way into the University of Illinois. I don't like it. I don't like it one bit.

But I'm quite sure it happens at all universities, and that fixing slimy practices like this takes more than rotating out this batch of connected well-to-do trustees for a new set of the same connected well-to-doers.

I do think that ousting University of Illinois President B. Joseph White and his cohort Chancellor Richard Herman is fine. (I've met Chancellor Herman before and he's a smoooooth talker, for real. He almost sold me some waterfront property in Urbana!) Surely those fellas can take their dirty hands elsewhere, and more surely there are less-shady folks who can replace them and administer the school more thoughtfully and wisely.

I am quite sure I'd make a great trustee. Here is why:

1. I love the University of Illinois. Really. It's awesome.
2. My dad went to U of I, but I got in on my own credentials. My 26 ACT sure wouldn't get me in today, but it sure did in 1998.
3. I know many of the words to many of the songs. I'm willing to learn all the songs, too.
4. I wear orange and blue proudly.
5. I even have Illinois pants, a garbage can, a rug and a football helmet chip-n-dip container (heirloom). I won't insist upon bringing these items to trustee meetings, but I do own them. I also have several shirts. I look good in orange.
6. I'm smart.
7. I keep my checkbook balanced at all times. What a fine example for any institution.
8. I have absolutely zero clout. I don't have any connections to anyone at all.
9. I'm a school adminstrater so I'm already all experienced with tuition rates, recruitment and admissions. For real!
10. I'm cheap and this would be very helpful to the University of Illinois' budget --> Help with the budget means less reliance on lobbying --> Less reliance on lobbying decreases shadiness at University of Illinois. --> More good in Illinois. Less evil.
11. I'm good with the press, but I can also say "no comment" in several roundabout ways.
12. I enjoy folders.
13. I love learning. I think it's the best. I'm always looking out for learning and learners.
14. I'm not shady.
15. I think that ripping off students with exorbitant textbook costs is wrong.
16. I also didn't like paying however much I paid for the "Athletic Fee" when I was in school. Let's check that out, Board of Trustees.
17. I like change.
18. The Board of Trustees introduced squirrels to the Quad for student enjoyment. That's totally something I would do. (Aside: Did you know that there is a squirrel hunting season in Illinois? True. Squirrel season just opened and you can only "bag" 5 squirrels per day.
19. I'm available.

So, Gov. Quinn, you interested?