How are you?

I went to a baby shower this weekend, and I survived.

I wanted to go. And about 30 people told me that I didn't have to, but I wanted to go. It was hard.

My friends who are about to become parents are expecting about three weeks after our baby was due. Their baby girl was supposed to be friends with our baby. But celebrating another person's joy doesn't make my sadness worse. Maybe it makes it better.

I thought about skipping the shower, and considered it pretty seriously. I even made plans with my sister-in-law. But she got sick and our spa day is rescheduled, so it seemed like I was meant to go.

Our friends are having a girl, which made things easier for me. Pink ruffly stuff -- even though it's tiny and sweet -- doesn't make me think of our baby the way baby boy stuff does. Just the same, seeing our friend's round belly and new-mama glow was rough.

Friends ask, "How are you?" and I still don't know what to say.

I'm completely heartbroken. I'm sad every day.

But I'm in nursing school and very motivated to be an awesome nurse one day soon. I have an absolutely amazing husband who I love more than I knew possible, especially after all we've been through.

My family and my friends are outstanding. BFF Julie rearranged her holidays (both Christmas and Thanksgiving) to be with us. I got a care package from Cindy in DC, cards aplenty, dozens of kind emails and one girl in my program gushed "I think you are just amazing" to me at a happy hour. Besides the pre-eclampsia that ended my pregnancy, my health is outstanding.

And, we will try for another baby (eventually, we were told to wait about a year). We will be scared to pieces. We'll get through whatever challenges there are. And then we'll have a baby. I think then, when people ask me how I'm doing, I'll have a perfect answer

Just thinking on the Brown Line. There's a doofy-looking dude behind me, but that's just how things are on the El, right? I love the train.